I’ve noticed an ever-increasing addiction to outage.
Let’s say something in your immediate world is wrong and you want it changed. You are frustrated and angry about the situation. However, often the approach that feels most satisfying is also the least effective. Let me explain.
There is a psychological technique called indirect communication. Imagine that you’re talking to someone who keeps interrupting you and is not truly listening to the points you are making. At some natural lull in the conversation, you say, “I really appreciate talking to you about things like this, because I feel like we can really discuss it and reach a mutual understanding. I have worked with so many people that don’t really listen and constantly interrupt me. (You begin to express your anger in your tone and body language.) People like that really infuriate me! It’s all about them! They have no intention of listening or being flexible! It’s ridiculous! (You calm.) But you are so different than them. Thank you for listening and discussing it.”
This technique entirely bypasses the ancient part of our brain (the amygdala) that triggers the fight-or-flight response. It doesn’t matter whether the attack is justified or in error. The amygdala sounds the alarm, and we instinctively defend. Why does using indirect communication work here? Because we are attacking someone else. The listener absorbs the feedback intellectually but is not instinctively triggered to defend. We have maximized our ability to modify the outcome by avoiding direct negative feedback.
Let’s get back to the outrage we feel by a frustrating situation. Not only are we in desperate need to vent the outrage, but we trick ourselves into believing that our outrage will shake the listener out of complacency, and they will take prompt action because the importance—and the righteousness—of the need has been expressed so effectively.
Sorry.
No.
No matter how correct or justified, the venting of outrage will slap the person’s amygdala, and they will have a major defensive response. You feel really good after venting, but now their resistance seems to get even stronger. They fight back, or they freeze you out. The result? MORE outrage. MORE venting. But this spiral damages progress even further, and an interesting, but entirely ineffective, situation forms. Your payoff is the ability to go home and polish your Trophy of Righteousness. You enjoy its shine. You admire its beauty. Everyone else is so deplorably wrong. If only people listened to you, the world would be better….
But these emotional constructs are your only reward. And in a way, you can prefer it that way, because there is emotional purity in trophy polishing. Progress requires listening and compromise and valuing incremental progress when you want it all. It can be difficult and result in mixed emotions. But do the work anyway. Improving the world is worth the effort.
Beware of trophy polishing. When you see it forming, ask people, why are we here discussing this issue and spending time and energy on it? We want real progress, even if it takes time. Every incremental improvement is a win that can be built upon. Look for paths where both sides can achieve a victory.
Trophies are never as pretty or important as you want them to be.